Monochrome Zone


I love film Noir and also the vintage prints of movie stars like Bacall, Bogart, Garbo, Dietrich, Monroe, Taylor. Perhaps it is the moodiness and mystery that portrays so well in black and white.

Than again in The Wizard of OZ (1939)  Kansas is also monochromatic. My favorite part is after the tornado when the house touched down. Dorothy opened the door and everything was in Technicolor. Her ruby red slippers really stood out.

The list goes on.

  • The Little Rascals,
  • Shirley Temple movies
  • I Love Lucy
  • Psycho
  • It’s a Wonderful Life
  • Frankenstein
  • Dracula
  • Rebecca
  • The Silent Films with Buster Keaton, Charlie Chapman
  • Gone With the Wind
  • Reefer Madness (1939)
  • Casper
  • Bonanza
  • The Rifleman
  • Cartoons

Maybe I will dream in black and white tonight instead of color. I’d like that.

Life’s Rollercoaster


© C. m ART z  2015

The love we received from our parents, if among the fortunate ones; is a love like we will never have the joy of feeling ever again in our lives. We love our children, if so blessed, an imperfect significant other in our life but parents…there is no replacing that Love.

Thinking back to my earlier years I never was interested in what feelings, hopes, dreams my parents may have had. It was a time when things such as those were not shared. At times I would see hurt in my mother’s eyes, a tear falling down her cheek. She never spoke of these things.

Children today are not so different I suppose. Busy with there own hopes, plans and dreams.

In hindsight be curious. Ask questions, dive into your parents hearts. There are innumerable reasons WHY you are who you today.  Many of your attributes and idiosyncrasies  have originated with your parents and their parents history.

Don’t wait till the time comes when your phone doesn’t ring and you miss hearing “How’s my number two daughter today?” on the other end.

I can not count the times in my life since both my parents passed that I desired to pick up the phone and ask them something. Inquiring of her and my father’s health is another situation that I should have been more inquisitive about. The memories of designing  address labels for my mom that she so loved. Bagging up the days catch to send off to them all wrapped individually as they requested. I can still see my dad’s face devouring a freshly caught lobster tail, dipped in mounds of melted butter.

My mama wrote many things down. Recipes, her prose, her drawings. Irreplaceable.

Most are lost too me.

I was never interested.

Something I wrote after she passed in 2004

Realizations~Thinking~and Reflecting

Realizing the answers of our family and ancestors

are out of reach now~

The very essence of knowledge and wisdom

ashes spread over open spaces

Questions held inside

Knowing there will be no forthcoming answers

Thankful for memories and mementos

However we perceive the memory or incident

Different replays

Hidden recipes, poems, prose, love letters, personal journals written in scribbled hand

Voices on Memorex

for prosperity as dad would say

Photographs that hold a thousand stories

told from the eye of the viewer

These are what I have now

Collections in my mind

The rest

Forever hidden

Written   July 3 2004

© C. m ART z  2015

‘Time is what we want most, but what we use worst” – William Penn

Be Aware and Informed on Generics


You are on your own with Generics.

All month I have taken a keen interest in the logistics of generic drugs. I am weaning myself off them which I have been forewarned is a major No-No.

This was instigated from the realization that my latest script for Cozaar  Losartan caused side effects as if I were just starting a new drug. My research uncovered amazing stories of persons with the same concerns.

Generic drug companies change. The main ingredient in the drug supposedly does not, but the fillers, size, color can and most likely will.

A bit of my health history.
In 2009 I passed out while working at Home Depot. I had taken a barrage of cold medicines so I could work. Two days later I am hospitalized with BP of 231/128. I am immediately put on Lopressor which made me almost immediately gain 20 pounds and had other annoying side effects. A year later I had severe muscle cramps and nerve damage in my hands and feet. I was always dizzy and was NOT spinning right round so too speak.

I am feeling so rested. Actually I slept better than I have in years. Last night I noticed my mouth wasn’t dry as cotton. My legs and arms did not HURT so badly. My stomach ache is gone and regular elimination is back.

Symptoms and side effects of what I now know to have been from Losartan Blood Pressure meds. 50 mg once a day with a baby aspirin 81 mg to top it off. Every day for the past 6 years.

My BP is fine so far actually the numbers are looking even better.

I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C in 1998.
I no longer drink.
I am a smoker of less than a pack a day.
Leg ablation were done on both legs due to a malady called leaky vessels. My ankles and feet were swollen everyday for years. I could barely walk.

My days and nights collided.

My social life plummeted.

Since 2009 all these sides have at one time or all the time invaded my world.
Each time I voiced my concerns I was prescribed something else that in effect severely clashed with Losartan.

All vitamins and Doctor prescribed scripts are in a drawer hidden away.

Losartan 50 mg

Warnings and Precautions :
Caution should be exercised in patients with history of blood vessel problems, poor blood circulation, fluid retention, heart, liver or kidney problems

Warnings and Precautions :
Caution should be exercised in patients with history of heart disease, high blood pressure, nervous disease, liver or kidney disease.

Will increase the level or effect of losartan oral by altering drug metabolism.

Muscle Relaxers

Severe nightmares
Still had spasms

Like I was drugged on a overdose of heroin. Very slow moving, dizzy, weak, very tired somaication, Incoherent, off balance, heart palpitations.

Lowered blood pressure, both feet spasms. Dry mouth, like it was stuffed with cotton.

Using Fluconazole together with Tizanidine can increase the risk of an irregular heart rhythm that may be serious.

Slept all the time. After a week couldn’t sleep. Up all hours. Feet swelling and 20 pound weight gain in just a month.

Prescription Potassium Extended Release

The above supplements can cause high levels of potassium in your blood. High levels of potassium can cause weakness, irregular heartbeat, confusion, tingling of the extremities, or feelings of heaviness in the legs.


Prescribed for urine leakage and urgency (Bladder)
One week later suffered from  severe urinary tract infection.

Generic (Wellbutrin) Budeprion XL 300

For state of mind and smoking cessation
Weird and psychotic feelings

After regime with Losartan I experienced:

Dry mouth

Tickly throat and annoying cough

Stuffed, dry  nasal passages

Shortness of breath



Off Balance


(Meaning~sleepy, drowsy. Tending to cause sleep.
A condition of semi consciousness approaching coma. In a condition of incomplete sleep; semi comatose

Numbness and tingling in hands and feet

Cold sensations in legs especially left foot and area above left knee

Terrible cramping and spasms in left hand and both feet felt like little broken bones.
Could not put weight on either.

Tired all the time

Swelling of calves, ankles and feet

No energy

Weight gain

Impaired urination

Bladder infections

Retention of urine

Feelings of doom and depression

I never considered it could have been caused in effect by a prescribed drug by a doctor I trusted.

Today I am in charge folks. I want quality in my life not so many side effects from generics that do more harm than good.

I am 66 years old.

I am 5′ 6 in. I have lost 25 pounds. I eat nutritious foods
No soda’s
Aware of hidden sugars
Limit all sweets

Read the book “Selling Sickness”.

Most importantly please remember that Generic drug companies are exempt from being sued for serious reactions and sometimes death.

“Patients will now be taking generic drugs at their own risk,” said American Association for Justice President Gibson Vance. “It is absurd that doctors and patients will have to make medical decisions knowing that only brand-name drug manufacturers – not generics – can be held accountable for their drugs’ dangerous side-effects.”

This Maze Called Life

‎I woke this morning feeling so much better of health, mind and spirit. Pain is such a thing that completely controls when you are engulfed by it. Some pain is a natural occurrence of say perhaps having a bad tooth removed, the after effects of which is excruciating  pain. Perhaps you waited to long and the pain had already taken its place. An extraction was the only option you had to make.

Pain surrounds us. The pain of losing someone you love. The means can be by separation. Temporary, fleeting or permanent as in death.

Our lives are made of happenings, occurrences, trials and tribulations. These are what make each individual’s story.

Life stories.

Many persons choose to keep them hidden. Not only from their selves; but any curious minds that tend to want the satisfaction of the probe. They have a morbid fascination with needing to know, to dissect what made the person he or she is or was.
Being part of the Human equation we all have the predisposed story. We are born, we are nurtured, loved and protected. We grow into wisdom by experiences we have. We die.
The adopted child is in someway, not always given unconditional love, nurturing and protection. They are chosen ones. The biological parent chose to place them for adoption. The reasons sometimes given at some later date in the child’s future. Perhaps the parent was too young, the child was conceived by rape. The child was better off with a more loving family. A Human that would show them so much more love and opportunities in his life.

The ultimate reason is always they loved the child so much they knew they personally would never be enough.

In actuality, we all have essentially the same story. Our feelings on love, life and all the inbetweens. The chapters, turning the pages on the experiences that make each individuals story (the unique one ) that it is and always will be.

The adopted child. How they felt when they discovered their parents were not there biological parents.

The child raised by abusive parents. The fear of losing the only thing they knew if the truth was revealed.

Drug Abusers, Addicts (Elicit and Street), Alcoholics. The paths they took that led them to addiction and recovery.

All stories. All sounding so similar yet so different.

I am a recovering addict. I never told my story or shared at a N.A Meeting. In recent years I have shared through my blogs and writings. I have been clean since 1998. I have chosen the path that works for me.

I came from a loving home. I had a family, a mother, a father, a brother and two sisters.
When religion became the mainstay of my mother’s life when I was 12 years of age my life took a dramatic change. I wanted to please both my believing mother and my disbelieving father.

It changed me. I always was looking for acceptance from them.

In later years my rebellious nature took over.
I was eventually disfellowshipped from the church and in their retribution shunned from all I loved in life.

I never have understood how a person of faith can say they love you unconditionally yet cast you away like a moldy piece of bread or cheese.

When I felt I could no longer give my daughter the life she deserved I made the choice to take her too her father’s. That decision changed me in ways I find hard to accept at times. I no longer felt responsible for anyone, not even myself.

My life was reeling so fast and furiously out of control there was no other option too me.
Now, I see the selfishness in my actions. I deprived her of me, her mother. I was never abusive too her, I loved her.

Everything in my  life escalated afterwards. Relocating, new friends, jobs, habits.
I never lost contact with her. She was forever part of my heart.

Now, years later my daughter is back with me. My parents are both of the air and mist. My grandchildren are thriving in adulthood. I have constant correspondence with my siblings.

Both my ex husbands are deceased.

I am feeling very blessed.

Most important of all. I steer my vessel now, I plan and control my destinations.

A poem I wrote many years ago.


From a dream these thoughts arose and upon arising finding pens and
paper I  began this prose.

Life in almost every instance is chosen.
Not at the moment of birth but from each moment henceforth.
You have control of your world and surroundings.
Your Chosen Ways

In the first years, you in a sense control your parents.
They feed, dry, and clothe you when you cry.
Then in your teens they try to almost no avail to control you because after all it’s your life.

Your Chosen Ways
As you find your way into the world, you and your Chosen Ways find joy, happiness, pain, depression, and helplessness.
You swim at times, others have sought your Chosen Ways.
You sink at times under the influence of their Chosen Ways.
In the name of love, you destroy your loveliness with drugs and alcohol.
In the name of faith you lose your parents love for twelve years of your Chosen life.

Your Chosen Ways
You wander aimlessly, seemingly without purpose, chasing an elusive butterfly for years.
Live in shelters, on the street
Not missing a beat.
You submerge yourself in self-destructive Chosen ways with the same Chosen people
You are a product of your parents, and there parents and on and on and there Chosen Ways
You want, you don’t want.
You laugh, than cry as if the milk spilled or your cup is well filled

Your Chosen Ways
One day after living this Chosen life for so many DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, you get hit as if from a thunderbolt.
You begin to smell the roses, the wetness on the rose petals from recent rain.
There is No Right way, nor is there a wrong way.
You awaken with light in your eyes and joy in your heart.
It is after all,
Your Chosen Ways.
written by Cyndi
October 2nd, 1999

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